We had met 23 years ago and had kept in touch sporadically over the years. Even though we were never intimately close (I have since learned that it is hard for me to be very close to people who drink a lot of alcohol), he always had a special place in my life and when I received his request to be his "Facebook Friend," a few months ago, I had smiled and had been very happy to accept.
For the past few months, rarely a day went by that we did not exchange a witty comment on one another's page and that felt really nice.
He had just gotten engaged and I was planning to attend his wedding and was hoping he would let me make the cake.
A few days ago, he emailed me directly and asked me some non-witty, deep questions. Because I was in the middle of finishing a book, I did not notice how unusual his serious tone was. I simply answered the questions.
48 hours later, as I was going to bed, I absentmindedly logged onto Facebook and as I often did, clicked over to his page.
At the top of the page was his last - ever so telling - entry.
And then, a bunch of people.
A bunch of people in "his room." I looked around the room but could not find him. The noise was deafening but I tried to listen. To understand.
He had taken his own life.
Just like that - or rather NOT just like that.
All the months of bantering back and forth and thinking that we were actually communicating. All the months of helping ourselves to each other's hyper superficial layers. All the months of really, not being such good friends.
So, I am in shock. Not surprised really, but in shock.
And left with many questions.
Questions such as "what is a friend?" and is it really important to be "in touch" with so many people when that touch is feather-like as opposed to strong and real?
Questions having to do with alcohol, too and my own choices in exposing my heart to people who love it so darn much.
And so this morning, when another friend writes to me and says "I need to talk - may I drive over?" I say ... hell yes.
A friend is someone who would be there when you are glad, when you are sad and when you're in trouble. I have tried to be a friend with him, laugh with him, and ecourage him to weak and afraid. I've been sensitive to every word he said. Those interactions was just on facebook, it helps a little bit but I was not able to change his mind through my words. He needs touch, real touch...and that is missing. I gave him smooches, he pretend he feel it...that is missing. I tried my best to help him as a friend and as a fiancee here on facebook, but it was not enough.
ReplyDeleteI think there comes a point when we have to respect someone's path, however painful that path might be to ourselves... it may be the hardest lesson yet.
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