In my heart, I know that it works this way.
I know it because I have seen it and I know it because ... well, the way you just know something.
And so, in my work, I always operate from that place of knowing.
And yet every time, the magic of it all brings me chills.
This week, I have had those chills several times.
People often come to me wishing that their partners would change, that something within their relationship would change.
So we talk. And as we talk, I gently bring them back to THEIR business. Often, doing so peels enough layers that a new truth emerges.
One such example is a client who told me that she thought her husband found her unattractive and that this was the reason why they had not had sex in a very long time. A few minutes into a brave inquiry process, she shocked herself by saying that really, she was the one who found him unattractive - and why. As I watched her discover her truth, I could see her face change: she became more youthful and even prettier than she had been. I could tell also that it had been easier for her to walk around thinking that she was too fat to be attractive than to admit being physically unattracted to a man she cherishes.
Another client was hurting from her husband's unwillingness to stop drinking and smoking. As she sat in front if me and learned to separate his business (the way he acts) from hers (the way she receives his actions), I could tell that something important was shifting. Within a few days, she reported to me how different her peace of mind had been.
This is great stuff and I love doing it.
But then, someone else, something else, takes over my work - and that is when magic happens.
That is when, hours after leaving my office, my first client find herself making love with her husband, not having said a word to him about anything.
That is when, within a few days, my second client hears her husband mention that he has just ordered a home exercise machine and has decided to cut down on his drinking (and stop smoking!) because "it is time he takes care of himself."
How does it work? I am not sure.
Something about being clear, something about daring to look at the truth, something about letting go of other people's stuff and becoming intimate with our own stuff... a blend of all of it.
And mostly something about the fact that when we are connected with another human being, our own work magically affects them. Just like that.
No nagging, no begging, no threatening ... just magic.
I love those chills.