On being grown up.

A few days ago, a friend of mine remarked that "I was working all the time." 

I did not say much about it but as we continued our walk, I knew that her words had been filed in the "look at it closely later" category. 

Truth is, her words really made their mark on me.

Following a decade of boundaries-free relationship with my work that landed me in the hospital and a broken marriage, I had vowed to never, ever let work "get me" again - no matter how much I loved it.

So, for many years, I didn't. In fact, I made a point of keeping a close eye on the amount of thoughts and time I gave my work. Which, for me, took a little bit of effort as I once again found myself passionate about what I was doing. 

But I did it. I prided myself on keeping my work at bay. I made sure to not let my career have too loud a voice. To take lots and lots of time off, to talk with my clients "from the road" and to always be available to my kids, no matter what. I loved telling myself that I was in charge, that I was free. 

Was I free?

Was I free when money was so often tight? Was I free when I was suppressing my creativity and my "bigness" because of fear?

Maybe not. 

Really, I had vowed to not enter into a committed relationship for fear of not knowing how to have boundaries and losing myself - again.

Where is the growth, there? Really, where is the love?

Over the past three years - and especially the last six months - my passion for my work has slowly refused to stay quiet. Encouraged by the love of a man who knows how to keep me from bolting, I have stopped driving with the brakes on.

I have started to trust that I could follow my passion and not lose myself.

But this is still new and I am still impressionable. 

And my friend's words have been the perfect stinging reminder to check in with myself. 

Is she right? Am I doing it again?

Yes. and No.

I have been working a lot, lately. I have an exciting plan and a stimulating timeline. And I am following both passionately.

And I am aware of the why. I am aware of the when. I am choosing both. 

Which for me is a very different, very new way to be.

Running away from something or someone because we are afraid of how big we can be, is not freedom. It is smallness.

I may have finally grown up.