I am Sorry

“I am sorry.”

Sometimes these words are so darn hard to say.

And sometimes they feel so, so - so - darn good to hear.

I have been thinking quite a bit about “I am sorry” lately.

I have said it, I have heard it, and I have begged for more of it.

And also (because apparently it is not just my job but also my nature) I have paid close attention to how it really works.

This is what I have found:

There are four phases to a truly effective apology.

Phase One - I am sorry
Phase Two - What can I do to make up for what I have done / said ?
Phase Three - I promise to try my very best to not do it again
Phase Four - Here is why I did it.

To me, this makes up a fully rounded apology which may or may not be accepted but which has been fully expressed.

One big mistake I see comes from the fact that two of these phases seem to often get blurred and blended together.

Which looks like this:

“I am sorry I did this (#1). I did it because ... (#2)”

And Bang! The explanation, which when it comes at the very end of the process (possibly a day later, even) acts as a way of saying “please know me better” all of sudden becomes a justification. It completely dilutes the “I am sorry” part.

This does not accomplish the goal of a clean apology which is to restore peace and healing within a situation where pain has occurred.

Because our languages, filters, backgrounds, triggers are different, if we get close enough to other humans, we are going to hurt one another, at some point. Forget avoiding that part.

Instead, let’s learn to turn these uncomfortable times into opportunities for knowing each other better. For “learning each other.”

Once I get hurt, I want to know that you see me being hurt. That it matters to you, even if you do not understand it (mostly because of your language, background, filters, triggers). I want to hear you tell me that you are sorry.

Then, I want to start healing the little strands of our relationship (no matter how small the relationship is), to restore our connection and trust by hearing you ask me what I need.

I also want you to tell me that you will try to not do this again. This helps me feel safer which allows the little strands to grow back faster.

Finally, once the little strands have begun to heal - which may or may not be in the same conversation - I want to hear about you. I want to learn you better. I want to hear why you did what you did. This is a very good thing.

And I want to do the same for you.

This does not need to take a long time nor does it need to take place in a teepee while smoking a peace pipe. It can be very simple.

So, for all the times when I quickly said “sorry” and then zoomed on to explain why I did what I did... I want to say: I am really sorry. Please tell me how I can make it up to you. I promise to try and not do this ever again. And if you’d like to hear why I did what I did, I can tell you about that, too.


Will you please do the same for me?